The Superbowl on Sunday will pit the Patriots of New England against the Giants of New York. Here at the Roman Empire, I have every recommendation you need to ensure you’re well prepared for the big game. And, of course, predictions.

Food Recommendation: If you’re hosting a party for this year’s Superbowl, the key is originality. Don’t be that lame host who provides pizza, beer, chips, and nachos. Folks, this will be an 8 to 10 hour affair having very little to do with the actual playing of football. Spice it up a little to keep your guests interested. Instead of pizza, bust out the spinach and goat-cheese frittata. Instead of beer, offer everyone Fuzzy Navels and strawberry flavored Evian.

First Team To Score: In what can only be described as an unusual coaching decision, a naked Tom Coughlin emerges from the Giants huddle to take the opening snap, proving to the world that the weather of Arizona is no match for his angry scowl. His 93 yard touchdown strike to Plaxico Burress is negated by a holding penalty on center Shaun O’Hara. The Giants are forced to take a delay of game because Coughlin is uncontrollably yelling “Come On You Bastards” to his players. Eli enters the game for the next snap and is immediately sacked for a safety by Patriots linebacker Adalius Thomas.

Best Superbowl Commercial: While the conventional wisdom would go with the Bud Light commercial that features two circus contortionists balancing atop Jessica Simpson disguised as a llama, the people will finally recognize, long overdue, Russell Oliver’s subtle plea for your gold in “I’m The Cash Man, Volume 2.”

First Injury: Giants cornerback R.W. McQuarters, recipient of a Lawrence Maroney stiff-arm, has his head temporarily detached from his shoulders early in the first quarter. He is taken off on a stretcher but returns before the end of the half thanks to the recently acquired sewing ability of injured Giants tight-end Jeremy Shockey.

Halftime Show: I have it on a reliable source that Tom Petty will remove his face to reveal that he is really Michael Jackson circa 1993. Broadcasters then show images of the world actually healing before our very eyes. This will go down in history as the greatest half-time show of all time.

Safe Money Sure Thing Bet Of The Century: The Patriots will win the Superbowl. Which is why I’m recommending that you bet on the Giants. If I’ve learned anything in life, and some would argue I haven’t, it’s that making huge bets in favor of the underdog will earn you the respect and admiration of your fellow sports fans. Also, your ability to attract members of the opposite sex is directly proportional to your willingness to take risks. Sure, you might lose all your money, but consider the upside potential that post-game pity sex offers.

Superbowl MVP: Because the Giants’ secondary could not help being lost in his deep, blue eyes, they allow Tom Brady to go 43 – 44 passing for 604 yards with 7 touchdowns and a quarterback rating of 186. During the trophy presentation, Brady acknowledges the fine work of his teammates and coaches, and the loving support of his family and baby-mammas. Unfortunately, because he forgets to thank God, he is struck by lightning a week later and injures his throwing hand. He is forced to retire from the game and replaces Terry Bradshaw on FOX’s NFL pre-game show.