(See Tommy) Double Double
Six months ago my lips repelled every ounce of that beverage known as coffee; today, the staff at my local Tim Hortons has my large double-double ready as I walk in the door. There’s no turning back, the metamorphosis is complete. Tim Hortons coffee and I symbiotically exist.
It was a gradual change. My first sip of coffee was not unlike my first sip of peer-pressured beer: revolting. Yet now, if it weren’t for the coffee every morning, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever. Over the last six months I have slowly, degenerately, been consumed with an overwhelming urge to drink 7 ounces of caffeine for breakfast, rolling up the rim along the way.
When I think about it, there’s nothing sexy about grinding dirt-like beans into hot water. So what is it about coffee that’s so damn good?
(image: Lavazza Coffee: Espress Yourself)
The smell? I mock your coffee breath and tie stains.
The taste? I challenge you to say it’s better than gummy bears.
The caffeine? Drinking tea or coke has the same dopamine-inducing effect, without the aftertaste.
Alas, I can’t pin down any advertised characteristic of coffee that would entice me to drink. So I am safe to conclude that coffee is not very good, and that it somehow must be Timmy Ho’s.
I’ll distinguinsh this addiction of mine from that of the general coffee lover. I have ventured to the Starbucks and Second Cups and Timothy’s of the world, but I can come to an agreement about the coffee at those establishments: no matter how much sugar or cream I put in the cup, it still tastes like shit. So I’m going to offer that the hysteria is driven by (a) impressive marketing strategies, (b) frilly mocha frappa lappa whattachinos, and/or (c) the convenience of location.
But my addiction is specific to Tim Horton’s. I simply can’t get them out of my system. They are a different beast; the wolf in sheep’s clothing. They hit you with the small-town-values crap that is usually reserved for the Hollywood directors who are too lazy to come up with a good ending, then finish you off with a dose of cherish-the-moment wholesome goodness as they rush you past the lineup. They don’t want you to buy their coffee because it’s trendy, but because they care/love/have familes/support our troops. Who knows, you might even have an epiphany along the way.
Which, I can only assume, means that they put something in the coffee. Diabolically genius. What that something is, only Professor Frink knows. But I shall venture a guess:
- Blood, Sweat, And Tears.
- Crack/Cocaine
- The Secret Ingredient: Love
- Opium, Or A Derivative Thereof
- C6H3(OH)2-CH2-CH2-NH2, Also Known As “4 – (2 – Aminoethyl) Benzene – 1,2 – Diol”
Note, while I haven’t exhausted the list of possibilities, I’d bet my fortune to a wooden nickel that there is an additive that keeps me coming back. Not that I’m complaining.
A coincidence. I read this on Instapundit today:
Get a roaster. See the light. ’nuff said.
6 months Hamid!!!! That’s just about the time I left Toronto. Coincidence? Never!! I think there’s an underlying yet mildly nefarious motif of maybe trying to fill the void of my absence. Yes, I drank copious amounts of coffee prior to my departure and you loathed the vile sludge, but here we are.
I miss ya too!! (You can find me on facebook if you’re ever looking. All the cool kid’s are doing it…)
An interesting theory.
You could argue I started this blog to fill a void. Maybe we’re all just the sum of our idiosyncratic void-filling obsessions?
Well, duh…;)
I’ve actually never had a coffee in my life. Other than the odd hot chocolate, I ate hot drinks. Besides, it addictive. I refuse to be held hostage by coffee.
On a completely unrelated note – can anyone spare a buck for a Coca-Cola..? I haven’t had one yet today and ‘m starting to get the shakes.
Hey Bonnie….if you hadn’t thrown that toonie on the floor of your local KFC last Tuesday, you’d have your Coca-cola right now.
Retro clothing is the bomb! My favorite place to find it is Goodwill or any thrift store. Ebay is also a great place to find what you are looking for.
I won 5 coffees from roll-up-the-rim-to-win and now I am addicted to their coffee. There has to be something in their coffee or how the hell would I get addicted that fast.