I Like… Goooooooold
Mens Sana In Corpore Sano.
I am of (clinically) sound mind, and of (relatively) healthy body. So, according to the ancient Greeks and Romans, I should have already won an Olympic medal.
(image: ~Mina~)
Unfortunately, my sloth-infected body has not won anything since fifth-grade: a snazzy, red participation ribbon featuring a stick-man kicking a soccer ball. I am now in my mid-to-late twenties, hope waning.
But what if I started training, tomorrow, for something, anything. Could I get good enough in a few years to represent my country? Could I get good enough to compete for a medal, any medal?
How about this:
If I had,
- an unlimited supply of money;
- infinite access to facilities;
- five years;
Could I win an Olympic medal (or at least represent my country)? If so, in what sport?
(Ignore for now the fact that if I had an unlimited supply of money I could erect a gold statue of myself on my front lawn with the engraving: “Olympic Champion Of Kicking Ass.”)
I should lay out some ground rules.
The first and primary rule is that the sport needs to be on the list of current Olympic Sports. Discontinued sports, demonstration sports, and sports you invented with your friend in your parents’ basement do not count. This rules out golf, croquet, bowling, and tug-of-war (an official event in 1904).
Secondly, anyone roughly my age, within reason, should be able to qualify. This rules out pretty much anything that requires skill or strength or agility.
With that, I’d like to propose a list of the sports I feel, with five years training, can help me realize my dream of winning an Olympic medal.
Table Tennis
Most of the guys who play table tennis professionally are hardcore. Like this guy. But we’re talking about Canada here, not the dominant Chinese or Koreans. I could probably make the Canadian National Table Tennis team tomorrow. With five years training, I’d be amazing.
Equestrian Show Jumping
With an unlimited supply of money, I’d buy the world’s most expensive horse. Then, I’d ask Robert Redford to whisper motivational things into the horse’s ear. This is about the easiest gold medal I could ever win. I’m a genius.
Fencing
The moves are pretty simple to pick up, even if you’re not all that bright: poke the other guy with your sword before he pokes you. Training is complete; leaving me ample time to ride around in my Rolls Royce asking people if they have any grey pouppon. Even if I lose in the gold medal match, there’s always a chance that my opponent takes off their mask and reveals that they’re really the beautiful girl that I was flirting with in the hotel lobby (who is secretly behind the assassination attempt).
Too many James Bond movies, I know.
Bobsled/Luge/Skeleton
As evidence, I submit article 3.5.1, entitled “Cool Runnings.”
Archery
This seems like it wouldn’t take much. Ready, aim, fire. The hard part about getting this medal is going to be avoiding the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Curling
The great thing about curling is that getting drunk is part of your training. The only bad thing about curling is that I’d have to share a medal with three other people. This one’s in the bag.
(image: Klokhuys)
Finally, I have a goal in life.
actually, in Hamamatsu I was 5 min away from a rec centre that offered table tennis lessons… but only at times I was working. I called every table tennis centre in the area and still nothing. Here it’s offered at every high school but after that.. I dunno what they do. So, I abandoned my dream. But, let it go on record that I *did* dream of being a kickass ping-pong player for 4 weeks (^^)
As someone who once dabbled in competitive archery (who knew?!?) and spent many wasted hours hanging out with this provinces finest fencers (also who knew?!?), I’d have to say they both require a dedication, commitment and training above and beyond what once might expect. Especially fencing, which require a supreme level of coordination (and also has some of the funnest equipment to play with).
Too bad you didn’t put the “shooting sports” down on that list, and although they’re not listed as being “official IOC Olympic” sports, I would like to draw your attention to two sports held only at the 1900 Olympics:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_at_the_1900_Summer_Olympics
Check the bottom of the page:
1. Live pigeon shooting?!?!?
and even worse:
2. Running game target?!?!?
Is that like the scene from the Simpsons?
“The most dangerous prey of all: man”.
http://video.google.com.au/videoplay?docid=8475292397459256082
Run Lenny run!
Haven’t won anything since 5th Grade? What the…?
Stupid Sexy Flanders
No-Talent Ass-Clowns
Nahasapeemapetilons
I’m Idaho
Check your drawer…how many T-shirts have you won? Those count, right?
I actually wanted to join the UofT fencing team. I was really close until a certain Mr. Loat introduced me to ultimate frisbee.
T-shirts are nice, but it pales in comparison to that red ribbon.
You guys should hand those out at tcssc. That would be enough incentive to reunite the nahasapeemapetilons.
A good friend of mine from my bachelor of education was a big track athlete and she’s competed in all sorts of OFSAA and university related stuff and did really well on the university circuit. But since she could no longer do university track (as she’s done school) she was wondering what she could still compete in. Anyway she’s been contacted repeatedly by people recruiting for our national bobsledding team. She made the first cut and is now headed to Calgary for over a week (leaving tomorrow) for the second round of trials. So in a couple years you might be hearing the name Sabrina Notarangelo in Vancouver!!!
Perhaps the context of the olympics is more the problem.
My dad works with this guy who won a bronze medal in the 1984 olympics for Canada. The event? no less than the 4X100 metre track relay. Of course the 14 boycotting eastern bloc countries that year may have had a wee bit to do with it.
All you have to do is create a political context where the USA, China, Russia, Australia, Japan, and maybe Germany all boycott, and you’ve got your medal.
I’m still in training for the “Running Game” target for when they finally bring back some retro sports.
http://www.foxhome.com/schwarzenegger/images/photorunning1.jpg
How about that race walking? That looks kind of ridiculous to me. Or “crew ” – I mean, you could just sit in the boat and row your hardest and hope the other dudes are rowing harder. That could get you a gold for sure.