Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly? Ugly goes straight to the bone.

That Dorothy Parker morsel got Dan, Jon and I thinking: who is the ugliest of the ugly in all of sports? It took a little musing, and a lotta choosing, but we finally came up with some fug ugly mugs. For starters, here is our shortlist. These fugs didn’t quite have enough ugly to win it all. They were missing a little something… let’s call it heart. (Note, some of the pictures did not have sources)

Sam Cassell. I’m hearing from my sources that Sam Cassell began his career as the little alien we all knew and loved, E.T. On the special edition DVD, Stephen Spielberg was quoted as follows: “Sam was a professional. He was always on time. He saved our production team thousands of dollars in expensive makeup because he already had the look we were going for. This made his demands for a higher salary tolerable.”

(image: the onion)

Dany Heatley. I could see how, maybe, 10-15 years ago, this kind of look was tolerable. But the dude is in his mid twenties now. He’s like Oggie Oglethorpe without the toughness. Playing for Ottawa, alongside Daniel Alfredsson, creates the potential for an “all fugly” line.

(image: NHL)

Otis Nixon. Grounding out to Mike Timlin on a bunt attempt to end the 1992 World Series was the most beautiful thing he’s ever done.

Chris Kaman. He can’t decide if he wants to be Hulk Hogan or that dude from “Coach.”

Hedo Turkoglu. The picture says it all.

(image: rivalfish)

Popeye Jones. Briefly a Toronto Raptor, his parents considered naming him “Popears” instead. Okay, that was a bad joke.

(image: rivalfish)

Frank Ribery. Oh my. This is a fug on so many levels. One of the rising stars in French Football, Ribery enjoys the nightlife in Paris. Because it’s dark, there are alley-ways, and the hookers don’t mind.

(image: France world cup blog)

Gino Odjick. You’d never pick a fight with him because he’d have nothing to lose.

(image: ginoodjick.com)

Mike Ricci. During an away Red Wings game, a fan held up a sign that said “Chelios: You’re uglier than Ricci.” Which made Chelios laugh. But seriously, Mike Ricci is ugly.

(image: getty images)

Joakim Noah. His father was a pretty famous, good looking tennis player who won the French Open. His mother was Miss Sweden 1978. There’s just no excuse for this.

And just to show that we’re not being sexist here, Amelie Mauresmo.

(image: tropical boy)

Alright, that photograph is obviously photoshopped, so here’s what she really looks like. I think she can legally compete on the men’s circuit.

(image: reuters)

That was our shortlist. They were pretty fug ugly, but not quite ugly ugly. They were missing that certain “je ne c’est pas.” You’re not going to win a gratuitous award from some crazy canucks without bringing the real fug.

Coming to a consensus, though, is particulary difficult when three egomaniacal friends differ in their interpretations of the word “ugly.” For this reason (and the only time this blog will resemble the sanctioning bodies of boxing) I am offering three Heavyweight Championship Belts to our aggregate champions of ugly.

The Horrible Hand of Hale has awarded Randy Johnson the “blood fug”:
There may be bigger freaks, more mangled teeth, but for the total package of body, face, and attitude, my heart says Randy…

(image: JS Online)

(image: Boston Dirt Dogs)

“One Notch” Thomson has awarded Don Mossi the “sweat fug”:
“Don Mossi was the complete five-tool ugly player. He could run ugly, hit ugly, throw ugly, field ugly and ugly for power. He was ugly to all fields. He could ugly behind the runner as well as anybody, and you talk about pressure … man, you never saw a player who was uglier in the clutch.” – (Bill James)

And Finally, the Roman Empire has awarded Gheorge Muresan the “tears fug”:
The result of a strange wedlock between Andre the Giant, Shawn Bradley, and US Senator John Kerry. He’s got my vote because he’s such a likeable guy. That, and he’s pretty ugly.

(image: Skybox)