… at least it’s not lupus (it’s never lupus).

A dreaded cold virus that simply won’t die is causing some extreme sloth in these parts. (Well, sloth enough to miss work but not sloth enough to stop my love affair with the Wii). All I can taste on my lips are the remnants of chicken noodle soup with a splash of childrens’ extra strength cough syrup – hmm, a flaming homer?

But instead of complaining about my sad state of affairs, hoping to draw sympathy from you fine folks, I thought I’d puzzle my way to health. What follows is a brief cryptographic-image puzzle. The following nine images represent common illnesses or symptoms that many individuals experience. See if you can identify them all. Happy scheming.

After a short cough-and-cold-induced delay, here is your weekly puzzle. The Golden Globes – who play second fiddle to another awards show – are the inspiration for this puzzle. See if you can identify the “first” fiddle from the following nine “second fiddles.”
Happy Scheming.

I don’t know what the official statistics are for this sort of thing, but I now belong to the class of people who know exactly what they are getting for Christmas. I suppose I am partly to blame – what with leaving a printed copy of the product’s advertisement so deftly on the kitchen counter for any passerby to see – but who among you have never been guilty of the same moral infraction? (Technically, this is only my seventh Christmas. So, in a way, you can expect that kind of behavior from a seven year-old).

There is however one thing nagging me about my oedipal insistence that I know the contents of my wrapped-up box: I will not get to experience that feeling of incredulous glee that accompanies the sheer surprise of getting something you really, really want.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFlcqWQVVuU]

I’m not going to tell you what the gift is – that’s the bonus question. But hints abound in today’s post. On that note, try your hand at this week’s puzzle.
Happy Scheming.

Puzzle One

Puzzle Two

Puzzle Three

BONUS Question: What am I getting for Christmas?
(I’d wager that it’s some variety of walking clock)

Before I get to anything else, there’s this aside:

In my line of work, I have a tendency to focus on international news and forget about what’s going on in my own native Canada (all tucked away down there). So I asked a friend of mine, who voluntarily follows Canadian politics, to explain to me the political minefield that is the proposed “coalition” government. His response:

“I am like a kid in a candy store! Not only is Christmas on the doorstep, but now [there's a] heavy constitutional debate in Ottawa – Hot Damn!”

That’s a little more enthusiasm than I am generally used to, but at least someone is happy. The only politician I am more passively embarrassed to proclaim as my Prime Minister than Stephen Harper is this man:

Lordy, lordy, lordy.

On somewhat of a similar note, check the link posted immediately below. It’s a little dated (USA’s November Election), but still relevant given the election turmoil we’re going through in Canadiana. Plus, it’s good for a laugh at my expense.

Link to Video. (A tip of the hat to Lola).
By the way, does anyone know how the interactive video works? I mean, how do they place manipulable text into the video?

Now that we’ve established my status as the motherf*cking, c*cks*cking, lazy f*ck that cost the world everything, it’s time for a Non Sequitur. Or, as the Pythons would have it: “and now for something completely different…”

No, it’s not a man with three buttocks. It is, as my friend R-Shizzle put it, the Daniel M’Mburugu of badgers.

The Honey Badger

Proclaimed by the Guinness Book of World Records to be the most fearless animal in the world:

“The honey badger is among the fiercest hunters … with prey including earthworms, termites, scorpions, porcupines, hares, and even larger prey such as tortoises, crocodiles [CROCODILES!] up to one metre in size, and snakes (including pythons and venomous species). Its ferocious reputation extends to attacks on animals much larger than itself.” (Wikipedia)

To prove it, here is a video of the Honey Badger in action:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c81bcjyfn6U]

Mother of Pearl! Not only does the badger attack a hive of bees while shrugging off their stings – but it gets attacked by a snake, kills it, passes out, then gets back up to finish the job. My proposed Daniel M’Mburugu – Vin Diesel – Honey Badger coalition government is looking pretty kick ass.

December arrives, and brings with it the realization of a year of overwhelming procrastination. But worry not, folks, for I am here each and every week to provide you with puzzles.** Here are your puzzles for the week.
Happy Scheming.

**except, of course, when I’m not.

Puzzle One: CAMEOS

I spent a good chunk of the last two weekends participating in a random Lord of the Rings (extended version) viewing marathon. That’s 682 minutes of footage, or 11.5 hours. I had once heard through the grapevine that Bret McKenzie, of Flight of the Conchords fame, made his acting debut in the Lord of the Rings movies: appearing in the first movie at the council of Elrond and the third movie as Arwen’s escort. Well, the rumors were true. I hastily searched for the “pause” button in the following scene in the third Lord of the Rings, then promptly took a screenshot.

Alright, it’s also an excuse to post a picture of Liv Tyler, so sue me. But now for the segue. See if you can figure out the movies that these famous people had a cameo in:

Puzzle Two: SPOILED BREAD

On Saturday morning, Brooke was going to make some fried egg sandwiches for lunch. I noticed that the bread’s “Best Before” date was Friday, and I threw, as Brooke would describe, somewhat of a tantrum. My refusal to eat the bread resulted in Brooke throwing some pretty nasty effeminate adjectives my way. But whatever. I’m comfortable with who I am. Would you eat food beyond it’s “Best Before” date? Have a shot at identifying these famous brands and the foods for which they are known.

Puzzle Three: CHAIN RESTAURANTS

Remind me why I bother going to the Keg on a weekend? Their “no reservations” policy on busy days means that your plans for a tasty steak are foiled by the hundreds of other people who also don’t mind waiting for a table. At least other places have the decency to turn you away!
See if you can identify the following five chain restaurants from cryptic pictorial clues.

The new Bond flick, Quantum of Solace, opened two weekends ago to $67 million approval. In my unadulterated loathing for long lines and crowds of people, I waited until this past Saturday to brave the movie theater. Yet, despite two hours lead time, the movie was SOLD OUT. So, I’m thinking, what’s all this about an economic recession… right?

I mention this to Scamper and he’s dumbfounded… Mumbles something about how it’s been out forever, then mumbles something about the movie “Twilight” and its crazy opening weekend.

So I get back and do the Google. Website extraordinaire “The Numbers” has box-office information for Bonds’ second weekend: a respectable but admittedly underwhelming $26 million… certainly not enough to cause a sell-out at the ol’ Varsity.

But crap. This Twilight movie? $69 million on its opening weekend. Not only did it beat Quantum of Solace’s $67 million, but it also beat out every other Bond movie opening weekend. The historic weekend places the movie 35th on the all time biggest weekends at the box office. Ever. And the only thing I know about it is that it stars the guy who died in the fourth Harry Potter movie. And vampires. Lots of vampires.

I suppose it’s time to climb out from under that rock.