Even if you don’t realize it, Chuck Norris is your hero. Because while you’re sleeping in your seemingly safe, comfortably warm bed, he’s out kicking some serious ass.
(image: misterkitty/Stupid Comics)
True story:
“The Matrix” is based on Chuck Norris’ real life. Except, in the Chuck Norris version the plot lasts 5 minutes because, unlike Keanu Reeves, everyone knows Chuck Norris is the one.
Another true story:
In an ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny, Chuck Norris once fought Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python’s Black Knight, Benito Mussolini, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan… all at the same time… after he defeated Indiana Jones and killed Batman.
If you don’t believe me, Why don’t you do some Internet research on Chuck Norris?
(image: source)
You will find that…
- Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity twice.
- When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself. He’s pushing the Earth down.
- They once tried to carve Chuck Norris’ face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard.
Have you ever looked at Chuck Norris’ Facebook Profile?
(click image for larger view)
Franklin Delano Roosevelt once orated that “The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Fear Itself(*)”. Elementary mathematics tells us that: (*) = “… And Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris is a winner and gets things done. Just ask Jack Bauer:
The following box contains a list of Chuck Norris’ weaknesses:
I told you he was pure badass, but you didn’t believe me. Even the lovable Conan O’Brien cannot escape the gravitational vortex of Chuck Norris’ wrath.
There is only one notch on Chuck Norris’ belt. If you’re some college kid who creates a website that tries to mock Chuck Norris by superimposing an image of his face over that of an Ostrich, then you’d better run. On second thought, running is futile. Chuck Norris will hunt you down.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu1wNxr9Sqg]
Please don’t kill me Chuck Norris.
*many thanks to the IdeaDrunk for sending me the link to the video.
R-Shizzle
one of my fav.’s…
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of ‘beard’. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
December 12, 2007 at 8:47 am
Chuck Norris
You just made my list of things to do today.
December 12, 2007 at 2:12 pm
R-Shizzle
I have nothing to do with this Mr. Norris
I don’t know this man
Please put your round-housing leg back in its holster
December 12, 2007 at 8:07 pm
hroman
Nothing says you are a worthless piece of crap like a swift roundhouse related death.
December 13, 2007 at 10:39 am
R-Shizzle
and to deeper philosophical questions:
can Chuck Norris kill himself?
if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, does Chuck hear it even though he’s plowing your mother?
December 13, 2007 at 10:55 am
hroman
More importantly, is Chuck Norris the tenth dimension?
December 13, 2007 at 10:59 am
R-Shizzle
Chuck is the first damned dimension all the way up to the tenth
Chuck is a complete formal system
Chuck is what Willis was talkin’ ’bout on Different Strokes
Chuck is the Caramilk secret
…Chuck roundhoused Baby Jesus before the Spanish could consider an Inquisition
December 13, 2007 at 11:16 am
romi41
No, no, no hroman…I can’t STAND chuck norris; please say this whole post isn’t so, but I think it is (shudder)…although, I did laugh my ass off at his “list” of weaknesses…lol…
December 13, 2007 at 11:52 pm
hroman
Romi, you’ll have to take that last sentence back. Chuck Norris can see all and hear all. He’ll come looking for you!
But thanks for laughing. I’m most proud of the facebook profile because it took me WAY too long to photoshop it correctly.
December 14, 2007 at 11:21 am
Anonymous
CHUCK NORRIS IS THE BADASS OF THED UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!
May 9, 2008 at 11:21 am
alex fraily
chuck norris is the coolest person on the face of this earth i want to meet chuck norris, shake his hand and let him kick me in the face
May 9, 2008 at 11:22 am
CHUCK WORSHIPER
CHUCK NORRIS IS A GOD!!!!!!!!!!
May 9, 2008 at 11:23 am
CHUCK WORSHIPER
CHUCK NORRIS GRINDS HIS COFFEE BEENS WITH HIS TEETH AND BOILS THE WATER IN HIS OWN RAGE!
May 9, 2008 at 11:24 am
alex fraily
chuck norris onch fought a one armed ninja seeing how this was an unfair advantge chuck norris riped off both his arms and one of his legs then he roundhoused kicked the ninja in the face killing him instantly then he sewd his lims back on with a rusty tent spike and bailing wire. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……………… and if you dont laugh so hard you piss on yourself i will kill you myself. have a nice day
May 9, 2008 at 11:27 am
alex lowe
chuck norris onch fought a one armed ninja seeing how this was an unfair advantge chuck norris riped off both his arms and one of his legs then he roundhoused kicked the ninja in the face killing him instantly then he sewd his lims back on with a rusty tent spike and bailing wire. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……………… and if you dont laugh so hard you piss on yourself i will kill you myself. have a nice day
May 9, 2008 at 11:28 am
alex lowe
chuck norris can float like a butterfly sting like a tomahawk missle at mach three in the face
May 9, 2008 at 11:30 am
romi41
Chuck Norris deserves a drop-kick to his stupid bearded enraged/constipated-looking face.
That is all.
May 9, 2008 at 11:56 am
Marc Rolan Manansala
If I die, I would like to be reincarnated as Chuck Norris.
The problem is… Chuck Norris cannot die.
June 6, 2008 at 2:20 pm
ChuckNorrisIsAGod
Chuck Norris Shave’s By Roundhouse Kicking Himself in the face, the only thing that cuts Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris…
October 11, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Anonymous
chuck norris eats babies and shits delta force members
November 5, 2008 at 1:58 am